Most Soccer Advice Is Bad Advice Especially If:
1. It has an American accent.
2. She is a parent, otherwise known affectionately, or disaffectionately, as a Soccer Mom, screaming things that have little to do with the grand tactical vision of the sport itself and more to do with scientific terms like direction, speed and force.
3. It sounds like, “Forward, faster, harder!”
4. The person giving the advice is wearing an Under Armor sweat suit.
5. The person wearing Under Armor is referring to the “danger zone” as the place to “get the cross off effectively” right on to a “platter.”
6. The person is wearing camouflage and chewing tobacco.
7. The person is wearing Reebok high tops, that have pumps, and they keep referring to dunk contests from the early 90s.
8. They have a deep southern drawl and they continually compare the droughts of international soccer teams with the droughts of the Dallas Cowboys. “There was a tyme when they just wasn’t no good. But they pulled up their boot straps and they made it worth workin’ fo.”
9. The coach is wearing an intimidating, all black Adidas jump suit that is large and puffy, which looks more like a leisure suit designed by Joseph Goebbels than an outfit for a modern coach in the free world.
10. The person is intimating that all great players have to be from a poor country where they began playing with a grapefruit;
11. They ate the beat-up grapefruit for breakfast, lunch and dinner;
12. Now they think back to that grapefruit, thanking it for all the success they’ve encountered.
Thank you grape fruit.
(NS) refers to "Non-Soccer" related blog entries, stories and essays.
ALL WRITTEN WORK COPYRIGHT SHANE STAY 2014-2021