SHANE STAY
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About the Author
  • Where to Buy
  • Press

Dress nice when stealing (ns)

8/1/2014

5 Comments

 
Excerpt from Dress Nice When Stealing
First Published in The Idiot Magazine, 2002

With the state of the economy as it is and gas prices at an all time high the majority of Americans stand a lot to gain from resorting to theft. Whether you are a gentlemen thief, out for a weekend thrill, or a regular back-alley-cigarette-smoking variety, is aside from the point. You need not know the virtues of Spinoza’s oneness, or Descartes’ mind-body dualism, just dress well.

Too many thieves are dressed like they toured every tavern in the county before noon; they’re unshaven, their hair’s raveled. These are typically state released, downtrodden men, who have given their lives over to one form of malfeasance or another. They are guaranteed to live out an ephemeral career. I once interviewed a guy like this out of curiosity. He came to realize he was approaching the theft business all wrong. From then on, he got his act together and dresses like Rich “Uncle” Pennybags from Monopoly when doing a job, and now lives in the suburbs with three cars and a George Foreman grill. I see him every once in a while. We lounge around his pool and talk shop. He stole the pool. It was his biggest job yet. He told me that if he hadn’t been dressed nicely, the owners never would’ve believed he was the FBI.

The general attitude of a theft should be thought of as Tim Gunn entering a Michael Kor’s workshop. I only wear nice black Oxford dress shoes, a matching belt, pressed slacks – usually navy or khaki – and a nice button-up shirt. Short sleeve, long sleeve? It doesn’t really matter – dress for the weather. You don’t want to be too hot, or too cold, it’ll throw off your timing. The more you look like Sinatra the more you’re likely to slide away with class. And, the ladies love it. Often times, they’ll be quite aware that you’re robbing them, but they’ll let it go based on your appearance.

At the Supermarket, don’t even take a cart. You’ve got the fruit and vegetable section, usually right together. When some meddlesome employee sees me eating from the open display I assure him I’ll be weighed in up front. Works every time.

If you need jewelry, no problem. Just go to the jewelry store, usually at a mall, and ask to try on as much as you can fit; rings, necklaces, watches. You’ll look like a Mr. T starter kit. Then tell them you need to see it in the day-light. They might yell a little, or push an alarm, but they won’t jump over the counter and chase you.

When I need a place to stay, I go to the finest hotels and follow new guests to their room, casually bump into them, and explain they have my room by mistake. They’ll politely argue back, but if you stay consistent (and keep in mind you’re wearing nice clothing) they’ll give in and get another room.

If you’re not staying at a hotel room, but you need some ice – what better place to go? No one ever questions you. I’ve thrown eighteen keg parties cooled by hotel ice; one was in a room I stole from another guest...

5 Comments
Dave
8/2/2014 12:23:09 pm

really funny

Reply
John
8/20/2014 05:22:07 am

Hillarious Lol

Reply
steven
8/31/2014 04:21:36 pm

maybe this is the funniest one here. cracking up.

Reply
Brian
9/9/2014 08:24:25 am

LOL

Reply
rachel
10/21/2014 07:10:49 am

haha, ha! like the fbi part!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Shane stay +   
    ​(archives)     

    December 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    April 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    October 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014

    Author

    Shane Stay, author of This Is Our CITY, THE World Cup 2022 Book, THE World Cup 2018 Book.

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

    All Written Work Copyright   © 2014-2025 Shane Stay 
    KEY
    (NS) refers to "Non-Soccer" related blog entries, stories and essays, which may or may not appear. If you've read this far, you're probably not a robot. 

    CONTACT
    See PRESS Page
    .

Proudly powered by Weebly