1. Get a tape of British soccer.
2. Keep your eyes open – it shouldn’t be too hard – for that thing called a “cross.” Wait a minute! It should’ve just happened. If you missed it, don’t worry, they occur at a rate of 7.2 gigabytes (or 3.6 yottabytes, depending whether it’s a weekend or holiday) of recurrence, per every atomic minute of duration, according to the labs of Keegan-Keegan-Lalas & Agoos.
3. Whatever cross they’re attempting, it usually hits the other team first.
4. Do not cross the ball.
5. Never ever.
6. Soccer players should know better than to randomly cross the ball.
7. This is assuming soccer players have an IQ higher than the accumulated jersey numbers of a starting team.
8. Many soccer players have insisted they are, “Not not smart.”
9. Yes, there are teams that follow England’s patented trait to over-cross the ball, and walk around convinced that corner kicks are more important than common sense.
10. None of these teams have won a World Cup.