A friendly message for the teams that didn’t qualify for World Cup 2018:
Holland…wow. You? You of all people didn’t make it? Say hello to Italy.
Tibet…we weren’t expecting much. Better luck next time.
India and Thailand…Oiy. Do you actually play soccer? Wait, I’m told you do. So, apparently, you play the game. Let’s try to work on that, huh. For starters: Literally make Neymar a citizen of your country. India, btw, the Las Vegas odds of you winning the World Cup would be a number with so many zeros behind it which not even Ramanujan could figure out.
Canada…I don’t know where to start with you guys.
Puerto Rico…You’re technically a US state, territory, or whatever, and, more importantly, a member of CONCACAF, and you just played the USMNT for the first time in 2016. I’m not blaming you, but that’s just weird. It took that long to play the US? Really? And to the US: It took that long to play Puerto Rico? C’mon. Weird. Totally weird. For so many reasons. First of all, you’re an ally. Secondly, you would think everyone in CONCACAF would have played one another at least once in the past seventy odd years. But, back to the World Cup: You had absolutely no chance to get in. Keep trying, though! By keep trying I mean: I seriously doubt you’ll get into World Cup 2022, and probably the next fifty World Cups after that. That's the truth, and you know it. Should you make it, I'll be the first to say congratulations. But let's get real. That's probably not gonna happen.
Back to India…guys, stick with cricket.
Back to Thailand…stick with, whatever it is you do.
Paraguay…based on your previous World Cup record, are you really surprised? When you do make it, no one really pays attention anyway.
Finland…good old Finland. Do you play soccer? Maybe if you lesson your extreme and fascinating worship of Conan O’Brien you can devote more time to the game. But I understand that’s asking a lot.
Scotland…where do we start?
Yemen…I would consult the coaching authority of Steve and Doug Butabi.
Mongolia…the mighty Mongolians. Egh, maybe not so much. That is, when it comes to soccer; but when it comes to quilts, oh yoi yoi, are they good. Regardless, yes, they have a team. And yes, they’re still strutting like John Travolta over their 8-0 trouncing of the Northern Mariana Islands in 2016, along with their 2-0 win over the always dangerous, Sri Lanka. Some of you may be wondering about Mongolia. Do they really play soccer? Because after all, you never hear about them, ever. Well, here’s the thing. Most players, if not all, have chosen to disregard the allure of teams like Manchester United and Barcelona, instead, opting to stay at home, competing in the Mongolia Premier League. As of 2017, Mongolia acquired the coaching services of German-born, Michael WeiB. With a little work, and a few tune-up games with Cambodia, Nicaragua and Finland, along with the goal-scoring exploits of Monkh-Erdeniin Togoldor, Naranbold Nyam-Osor and Soyol-Erdene Gal-Erdene, who knows, the World Cup final of 2022 might read: Brazil versus Mongolia.
Lebanon…the mysterious land of ancient Phoenicia – the land of secrets. Well, it’s no secret why you didn’t qualify. Just sayin’.
Oceania…you had a half chance to make it. For whatever reason, FIFA gave you half a chance to get one team in. And you didn’t qualify. It’s not the same without you. New Zealand, Tahiti, and others, stay with it! You’ve got something productive going on. Whatever that is, I have no idea.
To all the others that didn’t make it: Keep trying, no matter how futile your efforts may be. And we’ll see you in four years!
Brazil vs Mongolia
Could it be?